Nusye McComish – SouthSeaEyes

One-hundred-odd days into sudden bereavement, I am seriously considering going back to school to pursue MSc Psychology (conversion) and longer term, perhaps DClinPsy qualifications. This in the hope of channeling my lived experience into research that might help others navigate similar loss. This piece serves both purposes – documenting the phenomenology of grief for academic understanding while offering recognition to those currently lost at sea.

This dual position – researcher and subject – may provide unique access to grief’s phenomenology while maintaining analytical rigor. My husband’s sudden death necessitates both personal navigation and academic documentation of bereavement processes.

This account employs established theoretical frameworks – Stroebe and Schut’s (1999) Dual Process Model, Klass et al.’s (1996) continuing bonds theory, and Fuchs’ (2018) work on presence in absence – to structure lived experience. The academic approach provides cognitive scaffolding for processing profound life disruption while contributing to grief literature through autoethnographic observation. Autoethnography because sometimes the most rigorous fieldwork happens in your own grief at 3am with HMRC forms staring back at you. Also it being a qualitative research method where the researcher uses their own lived experience as primary data to understand broader cultural, social, or theoretical phenomena. The researcher is simultaneously subject and analyst, using systematic self-observation, reflexive writing, and theoretical analysis to connect personal experience to wider academic discourse.

The Temporal Oscillation:

At 08:38, I wake with vivid recall of my husband’s sleeping face from our early relationship – specifically, when I was a first-year economics student and he was beginning CIMA qualification. This exemplifies what Stroebe and Schut term “loss-oriented processing” – the involuntary activation of memory networks related to the deceased.

By 17:33, administrative tasks (HMRC forms, professional emails) remain unaddressed. The full business day has been allocated to what I term the “cotton-wool space” – a cognitive state where memory engagement supersedes practical demands. This represents not dysfunction but the natural oscillation pattern identified in grief research. The “externality costs” (using economic terminology – bear with me here, I was an economics student and the term stuck with me) are measurable: deferred paperwork, unanswered correspondence. The internal gains are harder to quantify but include relationship continuity and identity maintenance.

Embodied Memory and Continuing Bonds:

Physical memories persist with remarkable clarity. A specific photograph from my fresher year (myself in fuchsia ballgown, him at 6’2″ to my 5’2″) triggers detailed somatic recall. The turned-up portion of his cupid’s bow remains tactilely present. This aligns with continuing bonds theory – the relationship persists through transformed modalities.

I maintain present-tense emotional connection: “I am still in love with him.” This grammatical choice reflects psychological reality. The relationship continues; only its expression has changed.

Attachment History and Loss Magnitude

Context matters for understanding loss impact. He requested permission to marry three times, receiving two refusals from my mother who prioritized my education completion. We married six days post-graduation – demonstrating his sustained commitment across years of waiting. He purchased our home using redundancy payment while I remained a student. These facts establish the depth of mutual investment that makes his absence particularly destabilizing.

The metaphor I employ is maritime: “He is my mooring. Without him, I am lost at sea.” This captures the disorientation following loss of one’s primary attachment figure and navigational reference point.

Theoretical Integration

This phenomenological account demonstrates several key concepts:

1. Dual Process Model: The documented oscillation between memory engagement (08:38-17:33) and recognition of practical demands (paperwork / forms) illustrates Stroebe and Schut’s framework in real-time.
2. Continuing Bonds: Present-tense love and somatic memory demonstrate how relationships persist beyond physical death, challenging stage-based models advocating “letting go.”
3. Embodied Grief: Following Fuchs, the body maintains expectation patterns – I experience cravings for foods he prepared, physical memory of intimate gestures. Grief lives somatically, not just cognitively.

Implications for Practice

For clinicians and bereaved individuals, this account offers several insights:

• Complete absorption in memory work represents adaptive processing, as opposed to avoidance
• Present-tense relationship maintenance is normative, contrary to it being pathological
• Oscillation between coping modes occurs on micro-temporal scales (within single days)
• Academic framework application can provide cognitive structure during disorientation

Conclusion

This analysis demonstrates that approaching grief academically while experiencing it provides dual benefits: contributing to scholarly understanding while creating cognitive framework for personal navigation. The permanent nature of loss, the realisation this is a permanent state, as opposed to existing in a tunnel with a light at the end – coexists with equally permanent love. This paradox defines the grief experience.

The academic lens transforms potential victimhood into active inquiry. Documentation becomes intervention. Analysis provides agency. This, I propose, is not a weakness – rather it is methodological strength – using intellectual resources to map uncharted personal territory while contributing to collective understanding of bereavement.